


just know I know I wouldn't be the same

by dauntless_dragayn



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: First Date, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Silly Boys, Singing in the car, movie date, they hold hands a lot, this is disgustingly fluffy you're welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:54:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26108296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dauntless_dragayn/pseuds/dauntless_dragayn
Summary: Evan and Connor reminisce about when they started dating, and their first official date.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 8
Kudos: 38





	just know I know I wouldn't be the same

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is my gift for Julia (@/unoriginalurl77) for our second TCP exchange!! i love you so so much<33  
> this prompt was really cute and tbh i wish i could have done more with it but regardless i hope you enjoy!!

“Hey, Connor.. do you remember our first date?”

Connor shifts a little, surprise in his voice. “Yeah. Of course.” Before Evan had spoken up, the two of them had been lying there not saying much, Evan on his back, somewhat at an angle with his legs draping over Connor, who’s laying on his stomach idly scrolling on his phone. It’s that point at night where they aren’t quite ready to go to sleep yet, but they aren’t planning on doing anything else. 

Evan specifically is in a weird contemplative mood, his thoughts moving a bit too busily to close his eyes. He’s been watching Connor, his face lit up by his phone. Sometimes he still lets himself savor that, that he can just look at his boyfriend unabashed now. Because he likes to. And because he no longer feels so crushingly self conscious about that kind of thing. Which then turns into the nice but kind of startling realization of just how far he - the both of them - have come since they’d first become friends and then started dating. 

“I was just thinking about it..” Evan says, not sure how to express this swelling sentiment of time’s passing. 

Connor locks his phone and sets it down, looking at him. Without the light it’s hard to tell, but Evan’s learned that his current expression usually meant that he was blushing. “Oh god, _why_.” He says with some trepidation. 

Evan lets out a startled laugh. “What do you mean? Because it’s a nice memory! It was like.. our beginning.”

“Well, sorta..” Connor mutters. “We were basically already dating before then. Besides, I totally fucked it up. I was so fucking nervous I drove us to the wrong movie theater! And that was a dumb stereotypical date idea anyway, you don’t even like movies that much!”

Evan shakes his head, trying to wipe the baffled smile off of his face. “Dude, what? I mean yeah, we were both anxious, but it was so sweet and romantic! Besides, I’d been wanting to see that movie. It was perfect.”

“Plus I was _way_ overdressed. Embarrassingly so. That was the _last_ time I let my mom help me get ready for a date.. that’s how you know I was desperate. 

Evan giggles a little. “Okay, yeah. You were wearing a fucking tie. For the movie date.” 

Connor moans dramatically and puts his face in his hands. “Why must we relive my humiliation!” 

He gently grabs one of his hands and pulls it away from his face, rolling on his side to look at him. “Hey hey. You may be a giant dork, but it really _is_ one of my favorite memories.” Even just being here in the dark, face to face with Connor, is bringing it vividly back.. 

\---

Evan and Connor’s friendship had been burning into something more for weeks, and finally it had shifted when they impulsively kissed and stumbled through confessions afterward. A few days later, Connor had texted him suddenly. 

**C: hey. can I take my boyfriend on a date?**

**E: hmm. yes, if you get him home by curfew. and no funny business, sir**

**C: please define funny business.**

**E: uh. hm. i take it back funny business is permitted actually**

**C: :)**

**C: im being serious tho, nerd**

 **E: i was Not i don’t have curfew**

**E: but like? yeah? ofc???**

**C: i know thats a weird thing to ask im just like. idk**

**C: i just wanna do this right and take you out on a real date even though we’ve done plenty of shit together before. is that stupid**

**E: ah  
no its.. its really sweet  
  
E: ive never uh. ive never been taken out on a date before**  


**C: even more important then**

Evan could feel himself smiling stupidly after that conversation, blush warm in his cheeks. But it didn’t take long after that for reality to set in. He was going on a _date_. With his _boyfriend_. And especially when Connor told him the details, panic started seething in his stomach. How does a date go? What was he supposed to wear? What should he expect to.. happen? How was he supposed to act? He didn’t want to get weird looks for being that mushy couple in public but also.. he felt pretty mushy. Even Zoe teased him for being so obviously head over heels for her brother. 

Lots of overthinking and nervous sweat later, the time arrived and he waited by his door for Connor to pull up in front of his house. He was trembling, checking his phone every other minute. He’d gone for somewhat casual, though it was still a step up from his normal wardrobe. He had on his favorite button up, the dark blue one with a pattern of dark green dots, and over that a sweater. Plus his best pair of jeans.

His phone buzzed in his hand and he flinched violently. Oh, oh right. It’s Connor. Evan whipped his head up to look outside. Connor was waving at him, sheepish grin on his face. Then he gets out of the car, and Evan watched him walk up dumbly for a second before shaking himself and reaching to open his door. 

“H- hi!” His voice was like five octaves higher than usual. Internally he smacked himself. He had not acted this stupid around Connor in a _long_ time. Why did he have to make everything weird? 

But it wasn’t totally his fault, because the reason he stared at Connor after he’d gotten out of his car is that he looked- _hot_. Amazing, fuck. Evan had not been prepared for this. 

Connor, first of all, had all of his hair tied up in a bun, which Evan had never seen before. It brought out the shape of his face, his long neck, his shoulders.. And then there was what he was wearing. A white dress shirt, obviously ironed and wrinkle-free, with a dark tie perfectly done hanging from his neck. In somewhat of a clashing fashion, he was only wearing black jeans, but they were completely rip or stain free. His silver belt glinted like it had been polished. And finally he was wearing somewhat classy looking shoes. Even his nails, which were normally chipped and had paint scattered around, were shapely and neat, though they were still their usual dark blue color.

“Hey.” Connor said back, voice low and shy in a way he wasn’t used to. 

“You look, um..” Evan’s face was on fire. The part of his brain that was screaming I’M GAY was currently fighting with the other half that was panicking because- like, this was a movie date right? But compared to Connor he felt totally underdressed, and maybe Evan had somehow read the text about where they were going wrong? Should he go change or would that be fucking weird? 

The silence stretched for an unbearable moment and Connor blurted out “I know I look stupid um, like who even am I, I cannot dress up, but-”

“You look amazing.” Evan breathed by accident, and Connor’s mouth snapped shut. 

“Oh- shit, you really think so? I mean, thanks. You do too, obviously.” He added carelessly, then reached out and grabbed Evan’s hand suddenly. This is what Connor did, Evan would eventually learn. He stabilized himself with touch when he was nervous or uncomfortable. 

“Th- yeah. You do.” Even what he’d said was an understatement. Evan was suddenly so fucking glad he was dating this guy. This _incredibly_ good looking guy. He was so lucky. 

Connor bit his lip, but he couldn’t hide the pleased grin that bloomed on his face, or the blush. “You ready to go?” 

“ _Yes_ ,” He said, relieved. Though the gay side of him said he’d need to sit down for several minutes to process the sight of Connor, which hit him again and again even though he hadn’t looked away. But he let him lead him into his car, hands clasped. 

\---

“Fuck, shit, I am so stupid.. _how_ did I do that.” Connor stomps away from the theater ticket counter, and Evan stays behind for a moment to apologetically thank the person and then scrambled to catch up with his boyfriend. 

They had gotten to the mall after a somewhat awkward car ride, where Evan had to stop himself from staring at Connor like, obsessively, and Connor muttered about google maps being stupid and _why is this taking so long?_

As it turns out, the ride had taken longer than Connor had expected because they’d gone to the wrong mall. They’d found out the hard way, waiting in line and then getting met with confusion when they asked for tickets to _Love, Simon_ , for five, which the person behind the counter told them they didn’t have today. 

Connor’s hands started curling into fists, and their coupons fluttered out of his pocket. Evan stooped down to pick them up quickly and wrapped his fingers around Connor’s, prying them apart slowly. “Hey. Hey! It’s alright. We still have plenty of time to get to the other theater. The movie starts at five o'clock right? So it’s a good thing you picked me up early.”

Some of the tension eased away from Connor’s furrowed eyebrows and he offered Evan a tight smile. “Yeah.. yeah okay. Right.” 

Walking outside to the parking lot, Evan mumbled “Oh, there’s Yogurtology.. wait.” He stopped in his tracks and spinned in a full circle. Connor stopped too and glanced over at him questioningly.

“What is it?” 

“The Book House is near here!!” Evan blurted out excitedly. 

“The Book House?”

“Yeah, it’s like- this cute little family run bookstore, it’s my _favorite_. My mom used to take me there sometimes and let me buy something before we’d go to Yogurtology - that’s uh, the frozen yogurt place - if we were celebrating. But it’s kind of far to come out so we hardly ever do it anymore..” Evan reached for Connor’s other hand, hesitated, then grabbed it anyway, because he’d look stupid otherwise. “Let’s go in! Just for a minute.”

Connor took in Evan’s grin and nodded. “Alright.” 

\---

Evan _loved_ this place. It was nestled in a tiny storefront, lined precariously with old wooden bookshelves that separated the tiny aisles. And they didn’t just have books, either - wherever there was extra room, there were shelves and racks for all sorts of other things too. Toys, collectibles, blank journals, fancy bookmarks, board games.. So much more than a person could hope to look through in one trip. Normally a cramped space like this would stress him out, but for some reason the friendly energy of the bookstore counteracted that. He could stay in here all day, with the bright colors and the fresh book smell and the creaky wooden floors. 

As they walked inside, Connor looked around with an awed grin, and Evan felt weirdly pleased. After doing a quick little stroll through the store to take things in, Connor admitted “Yeah this place is.. really cool.”

“Right? Yeah I- I’m glad you like it.” Dumb thing to say maybe, but Evan meant it.

Connor started heading back over to the Young Adults book section by the entrance, and when Evan told him he was heading to the back where the nonfiction was, he shook his head with a fond smile. “Okay, nerd.” 

“Says the one holding..” Evan leaned over. “The Percy Jackson book.”

Connor laughed and shoved him playfully. “Shut the fuck up. It’s a _classic,_ okay.” 

“Uh huh.. _nerd_.” 

“Then I guess we’re _perfect for each other_.” Connor made a face and did a stupid voice for the last part. 

“That’s kinda? Gay?” Evan laughed. 

“Fuck, really?”

Just then, someone who clearly worked there walked by, offering them a smile. Evan smiled back and waved nervously. 

He waited for them to pass and muttered. “You should.. probably keep it down. This is like, a family place.” 

“Sure, kids shouldn’t hear me fucking swear.” 

Evan rolled his eyes and Connor smirked, though he _had_ lowered his voice somewhat. “You’re a menace to society.”

“I try!”

Evan let himself relax and wander through the aisles, finger trailing the spines of books that caught his attention. Every once in a while he picked one up and flipped through it. The stress and weird tension of the date so far fell away a bit. It was really nice that he could come here and get lost in its contents with someone else - someone beside his mom - and not feel embarrassed. Because there was something kind of.. vulnerable about this place, about him coming here just because he loved it. He didn’t have to worry about being laughed at or genuinely mocked for being, you know, a nerd. He knew the average person his age wouldn’t get so excited about a little bookshop, and yet.. that’s who he was. And it was fine. 

Walking back over to Connor, curious about what he was up to, Evan bumped slightly into a shelf and a scarf on it slipped to the floor. “Shit,” He muttered, looking around him to see if anyone was watching. Thankfully no one was around, so he hastily bent down to put it back in its place, no harm done. But- “ _Woah_.” It was _really_ soft. Fuzzy, too, and a nice shade of green. 

“Hey.” 

“Oh!” Evan jumped a little. When he looked up though, it was just Connor. “Hey,” he said back, cheeks a little red. Why did he have to be so jumpy? Teasingly, he added, “You sneaking up on me now?” 

“Uh huh,” He said casually. “What’s this?”

“Oh- just a- it’s really soft. Feel it.” Evan shoved it into Connor’s hands a bit. He gave him a curious look, then took it and looped it around Evan’s neck. 

“Damn, it is. And it looks really cute on you too.” 

At that, his face heated up about a million degrees. “I- it does feel pretty nice.”

“I’m gonna get it for you.” Connor said decisively. 

“Wait- seriously? Connor, you don’t have to-”

“You like it, right?” He asked earnestly. 

“I- yeah..” He was being honest, he just hadn’t been considering buying it because he didn’t generally buy himself stuff, and tonight he’d only brought enough money to pay for food and stuff. (though Connor had insisted when they’d texted about it that he was paying) And the thought of Connor buying him _anything_ made him feel like warm honey was pooling in his chest. 

Connor nodded and took it from him. “Stay here.” He ordered. “Go look at books or something.” 

“A- alright.” He laughed lightly. For a second he just stood there, trying and failing miserably to wipe the giant dopey smile off of his face. Fuck, he had the _best_ boyfriend. 

After a few minutes, Connor returned with a bag and grabbed his hand cheerfully, tugging him out of the store. They got outside and he stopped, digging the scarf out of the bag and once again carefully placed it on Evan’s shoulders. “It’s not even cold enough to justify this yet but, like- just look.”

Evan looks down and Connor’s holding up a portion of the scarf, where two pins were now attached. One of them was an enamel pin in the shape of a leafy tree branch, and the other was- “Oh my god.” 

Connor was grinning so big his eyes were doing that adorable crinkling thing. “Read it, please. I need to hear it in your voice.” 

“I..” It was a tiny button pin that had a little cartoon acorn with a smiley face on it, and the text around it said: “Nuts about nature..” Connor threw his head back, guffawing. Evan finally broke and started cackling with him. “Oh. My god. That is so dorky.”

“I _know_!” Connor yelled. He was laughing so hard he doubled over, clutching his stomach. 

Evan wiped at the tears appearing in his eyes, desperately trying to get out words. 

Connor was gasping, and finally said, “I saw it and thought of you immediately. I mean. It’s just too fucking good.” 

“Yes this is..” Evan put a hand on his mouth, trying to contain himself. “This is actually how I describe myself? To everyone I meet. How did you know?” 

“It’s- it’s how you landed that park apprentice job, surely. Like, you just walked in to the interview or whatever and said that, and they hired you on the spot.”

“Wow I- yeah. That’s exactly how it went.” Evan’s cheeks were hurting. 

Connor, who was finally able to compose himself, grabbed Evan’s hand. “So you like it?”

Evan was a bit surprised. It was obvious, wasn’t it? “Of course- _yes_. Thank you. You’re so sweet and-” He shook his head, still unable to stop himself from smiling. “And _silly_.” 

He looked away, clearly unsure how to respond. “Come on,” He finally said, voice light.

They got in the car, and Evan idly rubbed his fingers over the scarf, savoring the texture again and wondering how long they’d been in there. Then the clock blinked to life and his heart leapt into his throat. “Oh- shit! It’s already past five!” 

Connor whipped his head down to look. “ _Fuck_.”

The movie had started 20 minutes ago, and they hadn’t even left yet. And by the time they got into the theater it’d be at least another 20 minutes, probably half an hour. Evan’s feeling of careless, high happiness immediately dissipated. “I’m such an _idiot_ , I didn’t even realize how long we were in there, I wasn’t thinking..” His hand curled tightly, painfully into his shirt, and some stupid part of him that never shut up said quietly _you’re going to wrinkle your nice shirt stupid, stop that_. But he couldn’t. He looked over at Connor, wide eyed. “I’m so sorry. Suggesting we could go in there was a stupid idea. I thought we could just be quick, but of _course_ I wasn’t paying attention to the time at all..” 

“Hey- _hey_.” Connor took Evan’s hand, the one that was gripping his shirt, and lifted it away. “It’s fine! I’m glad we went in there. And I wasn’t paying attention either, so it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s- it’s no big deal. Let me see..” With his other hand, he got out his phone and looked at something carefully, eyebrows drawn. “Yeah- I saw this earlier, but I just wanted to make sure. There’s another showing that’s gonna start at 6:30. We can just go then.” He squeezed his hand, searching Evan’s eyes. “Okay?”

Evan tried to swallow down the panic that still wanted to surge through his stomach. “O-okay. I’m sorry..”

Connor shook his head stubbornly. “Nope. No apologies necessary. I’m the one who drove us to the wrong fuckin’ mall in the first place, remember?” A sly grin made its way onto his face. “I couldn’t help it. You’re very distracting, being all handsome n’ shit over there.” 

Evan rolled his eyes, blushing. “Whatever you say..”

\---

Thankfully, from there things went smoothly. They got to the mall (the right one, now) and took their time making their way up to the theater. Seeing that they still had a while until the movie started after grabbing their tickets and - when Connor found out, appalled, that Evan had never eaten french fries dipped into milkshakes - stopped by Five Guy’s Burgers and Fries. They kept a careful (okay, _anxious_ on Evan’s part) eye on the time though. 

Finally, they finished their shakes and headed up, arming themselves with buttered popcorn and settling into the theater. Connor muttered complaints about all of the trailers - “They go on fucking _forever_ ,” - but now that they were in here and definitely not late Evan could relax. 

The movie was good. It was great actually, better than Evan had hoped for. He even shed a few tears during the one part with Simon’s dad, and he was _not_ the cry over movies type. 

At the end when Simon and Blue kissed, Evan couldn’t help but think of Connor. And right at the moment he could tell he wasn’t alone, because Connor took Evan’s hand and planted a slow kiss on it. He didn’t turn his head, but he was looking at Evan through the corner of his eye. Goosebumps shivered up his arm and the back of his neck. 

It was kind of hard to pay attention to the movie after that.

When it ended and the theater erupted into applause, Evan and Connor shared a knowing look and snickered. 

After they’d walked out of the mall and gotten into Connor’s car, the two of them sat there silently for a minute. 

“So..” Connor finally turned to Evan. “I know I said we were gonna go to dinner - and we still can, obviously - but I’m? Kind of stuffed from the popcorn and Five Guy’s earlier?”

“Me too,” Evan said, relieved. If it had been up to him to say something, he wouldn’t have. “Yeah. I guess this is what we get for buying the biggest bucket of popcorn..”

“Dude, we had to. That is like the unhealthiest thing I’ve eaten in _ages_. Mom would have a fucking heart attack. Plus nothing hits like movie popcorn.”

Evan nodded sagely. “You’re so right.”

The two of them looked at each other for a second and then laughed. 

“So, we skip dinner for tonight?”

Evan nodded.

Connor started the car, voice undeniably happy. “Cool.” 

\---

As they drove home, they talked about the movie and the things they liked about it. “And like- the soundtrack? That alone was amazing. I really liked the song they played at the end.” 

“ _Yes_.” Evan agreed. “They even had a Troye Sivan song on there.” 

“Fuck yeah, that was such a good choice.. I wanna hear the whole thing. Here-” Connor took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Evan unlocked without looking away from the road. “Get the soundtrack up, DJ.”

He laughed a little. “I don’t.. think I’m the DJ type. But alright.” 

“Temporary status. I would normally be the DJ, naturally, because my music taste is impeccable.”

“Uh huh.” The first shuffled song from the album started up, an upbeat one, and Connor did a little whoop, reaching over to turn the music way up. Then he glanced over at Evan. 

“This good? You can turn it down any time.”

And maybe in other circumstances Evan would mutter something apologetic about how he gets headaches, but right now the music surrounding them lifted him up, and he couldn’t help but grin. “It’s good.” 

They rolled down the windows and let the fresh evening air billow in and the music spill out. Connor was dancing in place, his whole body moving to the rhythm, hands tapping on the wheel. His hair was slipping out of his bun, twirling in the wind. Evan couldn’t help but watch him, even bump his head to the music too. 

“ _So love me!_ ” Connor sang, “ _If that’s what you wanna do!_ ” Evan burst out into laughter, cheeks warm. “Come on, come on!” He hit Evan on the arm. 

He cleared his throat, waited, then.. “ _And love me! If that’s what you wanna do!_ ” His voice cracked and he sounded utterly silly, but he couldn’t have cared less, because Connor cheered at the top of his lungs. 

“ _Yeah_ baby!” Evan decided he’d do a million more stupid things if it got him this view of Connor, so purely happy and light that it was hard to imagine him any other way. 

\---

They pulled up in front of Evan’s house, and Connor shut off the car and the music. They both sat there for a moment, not wanting to be the one to say goodbye. Evan finally spoke up, “Hey, so.. thank you. That was.. I’m pretty sure that was the best first date I could ask for.”

“Well..” Connor said shyly. “Good. It’s what you deserve. I’m really glad- yeah.” They looked at each other now, words out of the way, and Connor slid a hand onto the side of Evan’s face. He sighed lightly, letting himself be pulled into a kiss. 

It wasn’t their first time kissing, but there was something solid and certain about this one. It started off slow, but Evan suddenly found he didn’t have the patience for that. He leaned forward insistently, and Connor let out a shuddered breath, putting a hand down on Evan’s leg. He pulled away a bit. “We should- my mom won’t be home until really late.. you should come in.”

“Yes. Yeah. Okay.” 

“You sure?” Evan teased. 

Connor squeezed Evan’s thigh and then sat back, unbuckling. “I’m fucking sure.” 

Evan, flustered, ridiculously stuck out his tongue. “Just checking. You sounded a little-”

“Let me into your house already so I can kiss you quiet!”

\---

Both of them are laughing, the fond memory sinking back away. “Alright.. so we were both awkward as hell, but I’ll admit it was nicer than I usually remember.” Connor says. 

Evan flops over so he’s laying partially on Connor, and speaks into his chest. “Mhmmm.”

“We’ve come pretty far, huh?” Connor says in a softer voice. 

“Yeah..” He lifts his head a little. “Now our _second_ date on the other hand- that really _was_ a disaster.” 

Connor burst out laughing. “No!”

“Yes! I took us down the wrong path at the park and almost got us locked in after hours! What kind of ranger am I!” 

“You gotta admit, coulda been pretty romantic if we’d gotten locked in together..” Evan looks up to see Connor wiggling his eyebrows. 

Evan puts his head back down with a groan. “Get your head out of the gutter!” 

Connor ruffles his hair with a chuckle. “Fffine.” 

Evan relaxes into him, the lateness of the hour finally settling itself into sleepiness. “Love you, nerd.”

“Love you, Ev.” 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, and as always come follow me at my deh blog, [sincerely-nerdeh](https://sincerely-nerdeh.tumblr.com/)!!


End file.
